Your e-mail contains so many aspects which require urgent attention. I will summorise this and make Dua to Allah the All Watcher and the All Hearer that He guides you to Eeman and removes the blackspot on your heart and enlighten it with His Noor. Amin!

Firstly, a person has to always account his actions before he sleeps to see how he has been conducting his self, either his day was passed with Pleasure of Allah or he was envolved in the Wrath of Allah.

SubhanAllah, all praises are for Allah Who has made the heart a source of tool to love the One we all are created to love. Praises are for Allah the One who created love to reach the One who deserves love. Praises are for Allah Who obligated upon His Self forgiveness before accounting His slaves.

"To Allah belongs all that is in the heavens and all that is on the earth, and whether you disclose what is in your ownselves or conceal it, Allah will call you to account for it. Then He forgives whom He wills and punishes whom He wills. And Allah is Able to do all things. 

(  ???? ??????  , Al-Baqara, Chapter #2, Verse #284)

"And your Lord is Most Forgiving, Owner of Mercy. Were He to call them to account for what they have earned, then surely, He would have hastened their punishment. But they have their appointed time, beyond which they will find no escape. 

(  ???? ?????  , Al-Kahf, Chapter #18, Verse #58)

Sister, know that Allah has created the soul which defines our existance to worship Him, and to submit to His laws and regulations assinged upon us as a mercy and fortification from destruction by following our lust and desires (as you are facing now).

"And (remember) when your Lord brought forth from the Children of Adam, from their loins, their seed (or from Adams loin his offspring) and made them testify as to themselves (saying): "Am I not your Lord?" They said: "Yes! We testify," lest you should say on the Day of Resurrection: "Verily, we have been unaware of this." [7:172]

Praises are for Allah the One Who sent down the Quran as a Mercy and cure for what is in the hearts (from lusts and false desires). Allah says in the Quran;

"O mankind! There has come to you a good advice from your Lord (i.e. the Quran, ordering all that is good and forbidding all that is evil), and a healing for that in your breasts, - a guidance and a mercy (explaining lawful and unlawful things, etc.) for the believers. 

(  ???? ????  , Yunus, Chapter #10, Verse #57)

Sister, Allah has related stories of nations which were destroyed and some particualr people who followed the path of destruction because both had one thing in common which was 'Following of lust and desires' as Allah mentions;

"Verily, you practise your lusts on men instead of women. Nay, but you are a people transgressing beyond bounds (by committing great sins)." 

(  ???? ???????  , Al-Araf, Chapter #7, Verse #81)

This was the case for Nation of Prophet Lut,those who deviated in practising something which has been created natural for men (desire of women) but rather they wanted men instead of women. Sadly, you have also started to follow suit, having inclination towards women. This is something the devil took an oath to do:

"Verily, I (Satan) will mislead them, and surely, I will arouse in them false desires; and certainly, I will order them to slit the ears of cattle, and indeed I will order them to change the nature created by Allah." And whoever takes Shaitan (Satan) as a Walee (protector or helper) instead of Allah, has surely suffered a manifest loss. 

(  ???? ??????  , An-Nisa, Chapter #4, Verse #119)

Allah wanted to forgive them as He said;

' Allah wishes to accept your repentance, but those who follow their lusts, wish that you (believers) should deviate tremendously away from the Right Path. 

(  ???? ??????  , An-Nisa, Chapter #4, Verse #27) 

So the friends of Devil are always working hard against believing men/women to deviate them from the right path

"Have you seen him who takes his own lust (vain desires) as his ilah (god), and Allah knowing (him as such), left him astray, and sealed his hearing and his heart, and put a cover on his sight. Who then will guide him after Allah? Will you not then remember? 

(  ???? ???????  , Al-Jathiya, Chapter #45, Verse #23)

These friends will leave you on that day when every soul shall be accounted for its actions;

27    "And (remember) the Day when the Zalim will bite at his hands, he will say: "Oh! Would that I had taken a path with the    Messenger ( Muhammad SAW).   

28    "Ah! Woe to me! Would that I had never taken so-and-so as a friend!    

29    "He indeed led me astray from the Reminder (this Quran) after it had come to me.    And Shaitan (Satan) is ever a deserter to man in the hour of need." [25:27-29]

The person who falls into these devices are who? Allah mentions;

-     "And the Messenger (Muhammad SAW) will say: "O my Lord! Verily, my people deserted this Quran (neither listened to it, nor acted on its laws and orders). [25:30]

-     "And recite (O Muhammad SAW) to them the story of him to whom We gave Our Ayat, but he threw them away, so Shaitan (Satan) followed him up, and he became of those who went astray. And had We willed, We would surely have elevated him therewith but he clung to the earth and followed his own vain desire. [7:175-176]

What should you do?

ONE:  Make Repentence:

      'And when they regretted and saw that they had gone astray, they (repented and) said: "If our Lord have not mercy upon us and forgive us, we shall certainly be of the losers." [7:149]

      'But those who committed evil deeds and then repented afterwards and believed, verily, your Lord after (all) that is indeed Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful." [7:153]

TWO:  Leave the bad company and try to seek pious sisters and their gatherings

"Allah is the Walee (protector or Guardian) of those who believe. He brings them out from darkness into light. But as for those who disbelieve, their Auliya (supporters and helpers) are Taghoot (false deities and false leaders, etc.), they bring them out from light into darkness. Those are the dwellers of the Fire, and they will abide therein forever. 

(  ???? ??????  , Al-Baqara, Chapter #2, Verse #257)

"The believers, men and women, are Auliya (helpers, supporters, friends, protectors) of one another, they enjoin (on the people) Al-Maroof (i.e. Islamic Monotheism and all that Islam orders one to do), and forbid (people) from Al-Munkar (i.e. polytheism and disbelief of all kinds, and all that Islam has forbidden); they perform As-Salat (Iqamat-as-Salat) and give the Zakat, and obey Allah and His Messenger. Allah will have His Mercy on them. Surely Allah is All-Mighty, All-Wise. 

(  ???? ??????  , At-Taubah, Chapter #9, Verse #71)

THREE: Contemplate on Quran and the punishment and rewards

"(This is) a Book (the Quran) which We have sent down to you, full of blessings that they may ponder over its Verses, and that men of understanding may remember. 

(  ???? ?  , Sad, Chapter #38, Verse #29)

15    "Say: "I fear, if I disobey my Lord, the torment of a Mighty Day."     

16    Who is averted from (such a torment) on that Day, (Allah) has surely been Merciful to him. And that would be the    obvious success. [6:15-16]

15    Say: "Shall I inform you of things far better than those? For Al-Muttaqoon (the pious) there are Gardens (Paradise) with their Lord, underneath which rivers flow. Therein (is their) eternal (home) and Azwajun Mutahharatun (purified    mates or wives) (i.e. they will have no menses, urine, or stool, etc.), And Allah will be   pleased with them. And Allah is All-Seer of the (His) slaves".     

16    Those who say: "Our Lord! We have indeed believed, so forgive us our sins and save us from the punishment of the    Fire."     

17    (They are) those who are patient ones, those who are true (in Faith, words, and deeds), and obedient with sincere     devotion in worship to Allah. Those who spend (give the Zakat and alms in the Way of Allah) and those who pray and beg Allahs Pardon in the last hours of the night. [3:15-17]

FOUR: remove all the means leading you to such sins from friends, literature etc

FIVE: Stay firm upon the obligatory acts of worship and mostly the prayers as the prophet of Allah (peace be upon him) said;

On the Authority of Abu Hurairah the prophet of Allah said:

'Allah the Almighty has said: Whosoever shows enmity to a friend of Mine, I shall be at war with him. My servant does not draw near to Me with anything more loved by Me than the religious duties I have imposed upon him, and My servant continues to draw near to Me with supererogatory works so that I shall love him. When I love him I am his hearing with which he hears, his seeing with which he sees, his hands with which he strikes, and his foot with which he walks. Were he to ask [something] of Me, I would surely give it to him; and were he to ask Me for refuge, I would surely grant him.' Bukhari